Success, Day Two!

Managed to get through day two, a highly joyful yet stressful day,
without eating junk or even overeating. I did miss my workout, so I'll
need to make up for that tomorrow.
Off to bed as tomorrow will be another long day. Happy inauguration,
President Obama!

I Survived Day One

I did it! I managed to get through today with controlled portions and
no junk food! I even took my dog for a brisk two mile walk.
I still have a headache but it is insignificant in the glory of my
success. I will fight the flab! This is only the beginning!!

The Chocolate is Trying to Attack Me!

I managed to survive lunch without binging. Had an awesome little weight watchers frozen meal - it was delectable and enough to satisfy my hunger. Of course, I'm so used to eating 'til I'm beyond full that the tasty little lunch didn't feel like enough, even though I know it was.

Lunch today was at 12:30p. At about 2pm, I started craving chocolate. I even went so far as to reach for some, but then I remembered those pics I posted yesterday. My butt is nearly the size of China; I definitely didn't need that chocolate. So I grabbed a stick of sugar free gum instead and chewed on that ferociously for about an hour. Then the headache came back. UGH. I know it's a sugar depravation headache. I'll get those on and off for the next few days as my body adjusts to the new, lower cal, lower fat, lower sugar, smaller portion intake. Then, probably by Thursday, my body will have adjusted and the headaches will stop. Had an apple, no peanut butter this time, to counteract the headache. Helped some, not much.

One of my biggest challenges with losing weight has always been that I obsess about food; what I should eat, what I shouldn't eat, what I want to eat, how much I ate, didn't eat, etc. Seemed I was always thinking about food. Inevitably, this was usually my downfall. Am trying not to do that this time. The headaches, however, are a constant reminder, so it's hard. I won't lie, I'm already thinking about what I'm going to have for dinner, and I JUST ate an apple.

I wasn't kidding when I said this was "sick". It's an illness. An addiction, no less real or harmful than alcoholism or drug abuse.

How do I combat my thoughts, though? Well, for starters, I write. That's why I created this blog. At least by writing my brain has to focus on typing, and forming the words, and putting my thoughts into coherent sentences. Tough to think about food when you're busy making sure your grammer and spelling are correct. (And trust me, I'm sure this post is riddled with errors. Oh well. :-P)

The other thing I do, well, for now anyway, is revisit yesterday's post. The photos specifically. I am surprised, appalled, ashamed at the person I've become, at least physically. Talk about self-abuse. I am better than that. I deserve better. I am going to start treating my body like the temple it is, a house where God dwells.

Have started thinking about tonight's workout. Ten minutes of yoga, twenty minutes of Zumba, and maybe a handful of situps. Oh, and I have to take my dog for a walk. She LOVES to walk and I know it will be a treat for her, not to mention good for me.

As for dinner, well, I'll deal with that at dinner time. Food will not control me, or my thoughts.
Now I have to get back to work.

Conviction is Slipping

I'm getting a headache. I think it's 'cause I haven't eaten much. But I have eaten and I don't feel hungry, so it's all probably in my head.

For breakfast, I had some oatmeal with a dash of cinnamon and some sweet n' low.
Washed it down with half a cup of coffee.
That was at about 9am.

Then I had a snack at 11am, an apple with some peanut butter. Less than 2 tablespoons of pb, which is the "serving" size. I was craving something salty. And I'm trying to drink lots of water, but so far have only had about 8 ounces. Must drink more.

It's noon now, and all I can think about is a cheeseburger and crispy fries. Hmm, maybe I need another reality check - I should go look at those pics I posted of myself last night. That shot of my butt should make it real clear, I don't NEED a cheeseburger and fries. Nor should I want that.

No - I will be strong. I will gulp down a bunch of water 'til I'm stuffed. Then, when that wears off, I'll drink more water and eat a weight watchers frozen lunch. Surprisingly, those are quite tasty, and the portions are small, or rather, "normal".

This headache, well, it's likely because I'm dehydrated. Yeah, that's it. More water and I'll be fine.

After all, this is just DAY 1 of project ME. I can't fail. I won't.

Stuff I Need to Do

A random list of things I should do, things I want to do, and things I'll likely never get around to doing - all wrapped up into one, in no particular order:

- learn to speak french
- work out more
- post to my blog consistently
- add at least one photo to each blog post
- eat healthier
- eat less
- learn to knit
- call my mom more often
- pick up my photography again
- take more photography classes
- learn how to code in Java
- learn CSS and HTML
- finish the roman shades for the kitchen
- make the curtains for the dining room
- paint the guest room
- paint the office
- paint the bedroom
- paint the living/dining room
- clean out the garage
- sell the scooter
- sell my old, unused electronics
- spend more time with my friends
- be kinder to my husband
- stop gossiping
- take the dog for daily walks
- take cooking classes
- scan all photos
- rip all CDs and DVDs
- create a digital media library
- get a fireproof safe
- put important documents, items in fireproof safe
- spend more time reading my Bible
- stop obsessing about food

It'll be interesting to see how this list changes over time.

Food, and My Hang Ups With It

I'm so sick of food. sick of thinking about it, sick of hearing about it, sick of seeing it all over my TV. Seems no matter what is going on with me, it always revolves around food. And dieting, well that's just another way of obsessing about food; I'm either thinking about what I should eat, or feeling guilty about what I ate that I shouldn't have eaten. Seriously, this is beyond stupid. I've imprisoned myself in a world that revolves around food. And that's just sick.

I guess that's what it boils down to; I'm sick. I have a disease, an addiction. No different that being addicted to alcohol, or drugs. And I think I need help, 'cause when I think of 'quitting', well, then I'm just thinking about food again.

I've tried to sort out what the obsession is. I've considered that maybe it's my way of admitting defeat - trying to change what I eat and how much I eat isn't getting me anywhere, so why bother to try to change it - instead I'll just eat until I can't eat anymore. Of course, then I hate myself for being weak and fat.

I've got to get help. I have to do something about this disease. If I don't, it's gonna kill me.

Sins of a Christian

so this is a post that has been rattling around in my brain for some now. sins of a Christian.
For those who don't understand the Christian relationship with Christ, that last sentence may sound like an oxymoron. But the reality is, Christians sin all the time. Now again, you non-believers may think, "well if you're a sinner, how can you be a Christian?" Truth of the matter is, this one often puzzled me, too. but what I learned back when I was saved, and what I've continued learning in my walk with Christ, is that Christians are NOT perfect. Far from it, really. No, we are a messed up folk. Not much different than the non-believers. The ONE difference, the only difference that has any worth or meaning, is that even though we sin, we know that Christ is God made man, that he is the Son of God, that he was crucified for our sins, and that he was resurrected 3 days later and ascended to Heaven to be seated at the right hand of God. some smaller differences in what happens when we sin is that we know we have grieved God, and that pains us. Christians actually work at not sinning, but unfortunately, we are human and are therefore flawed.

I don't claim to be perfect. Not by any means. I have so many flaws; among them fear, doubt, short-temperedness. I am not normally a good steward of God's gifts, financial or otherwise (though this one I'm definitely getting better about.)

And Christians are tempted with bad stuff all the time. After all, the way I see it, the devil isn't going to bother with the souls he still has. Nope, he's going after those he's lost to Christ. And he goes after them hard.

I've read that once you give your life to Christ, you can't be "unsaved". I hope that's true, 'cause there are many days when I feel lost and like I"m floundering, unanchored in Him. (but that's a whole other blog topic!)

I am grateful for a forgiving God. I am grateful that He is merciful and just, that He is willing to pour down grace like rain, despite my iniquities.

If you are reading this and are not a believer, I invite you to drop me a comment and we can talk about what He can do for you.
After all, if he could forgive me and FREE me, there is nothing He can't do for you - NO MATTER WHAT your life is like.

Now if there isn't peace in comfort in THAT, what else is there?

good night and God bless.